This was NOT one of my finer parenting moments.

To be honest, it’s a little embarrassing, actually.

But, I’m going to share this very raw & real moment with you.

Because my lessons are your lessons. My pain is your pain. We are all in this together.

Mom Life

Last week, Calista (age 10) came home from the bus stop visibly distressed. I could tell that she was holding back tears.

I asked her what was wrong & all of her emotion broke out. Long story short, her bus driver, who apparently has a history of being short-tempered, yelled at her and embarrassed her. And she didn’t do anything wrong. (It was a miscommunication).

This is when I felt the physical manifestation of emotions start to rise in my body. This was not the first time she’s come home with stories about this driver’s behavior.

(Surely, we’re all human and may lose our temper from time to time. Good lawd, these tiny humans know how to push our buttons and test our patience like no other!! But, when yelling is your DEFAULT way of being, and you have a job that requires you to be around children every day — this is a problem.)

I tried to be comforting, “Clearly, he has the wrong job, honey. It’s not about you. Don’t take it personal” was my response.

“But, I’m going to be in SO much trouble.” she said, in fear.

“Wait, hold up. In trouble how?” I asked. Clearly she was not in trouble with me. So, why the worry?

“He’s writing me up. The principle is going to call me in the office & then I’m in SO much trouble.” she said.

I remained calm on the outside, but inwardly I was feeling my anger grow. How did this man and this school system instill so much fear into my child?

“Well, honey. If that happens, you just use your voice, stand up for yourself, & explain to her what happened. You didn’t do anything wrong. No need to worry.” I tried to explain to her, rationally.

But, she was still so IN it. The fear of being in “trouble.” The embarrassment of having an adult “freak out” on her in front of all her friends. The pain of being yelled at, which is a lot for some. This is a girl who never gets in trouble, is a straight A student — she really IS a good kid.

She looked at me, with genuine fear in her eyes and said, “I don’t want to ride the bus. What if he yells at me again? What if I’m in trouble? What do I do?”

This is where the passion and emotions took over.

And, this is the part where I didn’t stop to take a breath and consider my response. This is where the passion and emotions took over. This is where the love for my child intersected with the anger over the situation. This is where the irreverent non-conformist in me who rallies against fear-based tactics and the broken system took the mic.

With the image of this off-kiltered bus driver in my mind, yelling at small children for anything and everything from talking to each other to looking down at their papers (instead of ahead “just in case” he has to slam on the brakes), spit flying, horn blaring, kids crying, overpowering…

“You tell him to ‘F*** OFF’. That’s what you do,” I told her.

I know. I know. I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth either. Not my most profound wisdom drop or finest parenting moment.

It takes something for me to even share this now because my reaction is not in alignment with all the “labels” and beliefs I have about myself: loving mother, yogi, compassionate being. I earn my living through the art of communicating! I mean clearly this version of SELF was NOT present during this little outburst.

But, underneath it all, I am just as human as anybody else — figuring it all out as I go.

Along the way, I’ve learned to love myself through all the little imperfections and transgressions — even the part that is greatly irreverent at times, questions authority, and loves her children so much that it hurts.

What I had in front of me was a wide-eyed child whose expression was basically saying, “For reals?? My mother. She who I empty all of my worries and fears into. She who comforts and consoles. THIS is the advice she has for me?”

But, she DID stop crying. It brought her back to the moment. And changed the energy of the conversation.

When I checked in with myself, I realized the source of my anger. I felt like I had failed my child in that moment.

I’m raising my girls to be strong and confident, to love themselves, and NOT to live in fear. But, here I was, sending them to a school system everyday that is designed to teach them to get in line, conform, and fear authority. And the results of that were present right in front of me. My true anger was not with the bus driver, or the school, or the situation — it was with myself. And, how I felt like I wasn’t a good enough mother in that moment.

But, still, that was my sh*t to deal with (and I am). I knew I missed the mark with her & could do better.

Do-Over

“No, wait. Don’t say THAT. Not exactly” I back-pedaled a little. Oops.

“What mommy MEANT to say is this: No adult ever has the right to make you feel bad about yourself. Adults are humans too, and often make mistakes. They NEVER have any right to bully a child. People that yell all the time are not happy with themselves and are misdirecting their emotions. It’s not about you. Don’t take this on as it if means the TRUTH about you. I want you to know that you always have the right to stand up for yourself and I will ALWAYS back you up on that. ALWAYS. You will never be in trouble with me for speaking your truth.”

I could see that her emotions were shifting.

Now, to the point of why I decided to share this:

How often do we make ourselves wrong? For how we feel? For how we express? For how we react?

How often do we judge ourselves harshly because of it?

How about this instead:

What if it’s ALL serving? What if you literally can’t do it wrong. You can’t mess it up.

What if it’s all just information — leading us to our highest good. Pointing us in the direction of what we truly desire and where we shall change course?

Because, it is.

But, only when put our self-judgement aside for long enough to see it for truth.

Any time anger arises, when we develop acute awareness around it, is just an opportunity waiting to be transmuted into compassion. For ourselves. For the situation.

And, from that place, we get to create the reality that we truly desire.

And, this goes for any emotion. Don’t push it down. Don’t make it wrong. Ask it what it’s here to tell you.

When you lean into, what’s revealed to you is a wish that has been unfulfilled, an action not yet taken, something that has gone unexpressed for too long, and/or where you have work to do.

This is all good news.

Tune in to this subtle wisdom within, follow the breadcrumbs, and you will be liberated.

Thank back to a moment in your life where you made yourself “wrong.”  How can you look at it through a new lens of happening FOR you, instead?  If feeling inspired to do so, please share with us in the comments below!