Today is my birthday. (Thanks for all the FB lovin’ BTW. Felt it. And love you! 
❤)
But, here’s the bare naked truth: Even with all of the fabulous people and fabulous things going on in my life … I woke up a little sad this morning. It wasn’t an overbearing sadness. But, it was the kind that lets its presence be known – calling to be explored. It happens. I sat with it.
As I went on about my day, I felt an overwhelming pull to go to the ocean. I looked at my schedule and part of me was like, “hmm, I really shouldn’t.” But, in my 41 trips around the sun, if I’ve learned one thing: Listen to the call of the heart.
So, I took care of a few things, grabbed my journal … and made my way to the sea.
No sooner did I pull up to the beach than it started to rain. The sky looked mostly sunny in other places and it was just a light drizzle, so I decided to go with it. The proverbial grey cloud over my head. Isn’t that cheeky, I thought.
The beach was mostly empty. A few random seagulls crossed my path in the sand. They didn’t fly away, though. Just cocked their heads to the side and let out a little squawk as I passed. “Hello, friend,” I greeted each of them.
As I walked down the shore line, the rain started to get more intense.
“Why did you call me here?” I asked.
“To feel it” was the answer.
“Feel what?” was my question back. “The rain? The pain? Well, it’s cold. And wet. And familiar.” I thought.
“What do you really want?” came the next question.
“Hmmm. I want to be happy, of course. And to be loved. For all of me. That’s all I ever wanted.”
“Do YOU love all of the pieces of you?”
That question struck me. “Yes. I think so. I mean, it’s taken some work to get here. But, oh yes.” I thought some more, “Well ….. except for that one part.” Sigh. “That part that has settled. The part that put her happiness and needs and desires on the back burner. The part that felt it was easier. Easier than facing the truth. Easier than dealing with the pain of disappointing others. Easier than taking a stand that felt, well, selfish.”
“Is it selfish to want to be happy?”
Realization struck. “Oh my. Yes. At some level, I believed that. Put others first. Be the good girl.”
At this point, it is pouring. Soaking wet, I made my way back to the car. I wasn’t ready to leave yet. As I listened to the rain pouring down on the windows, I pulled out my journal and started writing. The cause of my sadness immediately became apparent, and the words flowed out. Almost on their own:
“It’s my birthday and I haven’t freed myself yet. Yes, I am closer than I’ve ever been. But, somewhere, I haven’t forgiven myself for taking so long – for ignoring my heart’s call – for not embodying my whole truth and loving all parts of myself.”
“What would it feel like to forgive yourself now and love yourself deeply?”
“Good. So good. Amazing.”
“Are you willing to do this now?”
“Yes.”
“And know and trust that everything has happened in perfect timing?”
“Yes. Wait. Am I talking to God right now? Like, having a Neale Donald Walsh moment?”
“Yes, my dear. I’ve been waiting. Like I said, everything in divine timing. Are you ready?”
“Omg. What. I mean. Yes.”
“It won’t be easy, you know.”
“It never is.”
“There will be rain + sun + sadness + joy.”
“Yes.”
“And, that’s the beauty of it.”
“Yes. I’m ready. Deep healing is happening right now. I forgive myself. I trust. I let go.”
And, just like that, the sun came out again. So warm. So vibrant. So energizing. In perfect divine timing. Thank you. Thank you.
“Wait. Am I crazy? ‘Cause, I feel kind of crazy now. I’m legit having a conversation with myself & calling it the voice of God.”
“Yes, of course you are. All of my people are.”
Oh yes. Of course. I made my way back to the sand to soak in some of the sun’s rays with newfound bliss and happiness. And, though I’ve felt the sun on my skin a million times before, it never felt quite like this. In fact, I found myself letting out a little audible sigh of pleasure. It was almost embarrassing, but I knew the seagulls wouldn’t judge me.
Born. Again. And, again. And, again.
